it’s a bit long. but it’s good. and some of you have read bits of this that were in ‘why i write letters to my husband.’ but i’ve added some more pieces here and there. this is me from 22 to the last three or so years.

there once was a girl.

(me, obviously.)

she had a moderately normal childhood — God-fearing, loving parents. good friends. stable environment. there were a few dark patches of being sexually abused as a child, getting lost and locked out of places accidently which lead to having very real abandonment issues, constant night terrors, being afraid of death and a few other things here and there, but this is all just back story. the real story for her begins much, much later in her life…

the girl once visited the international house of prayer and felt so much in her heart that she should move there. but she was only twenty-two! and she was so wounded and broken from the world that she didn’t acclimate well into the adult world. she was very scared, very insecure and very unsure of herself. and she said to God, “i don’t have any family or friends here! and what would i do?” so she just wrote it off as an “emotional decision” and moved on with her life.

over the course of the next three years, she would visit every 3-6 months and would fall madly in love with the idea of moving to kansas city. but over and over again she said “no” to the invitation God had given her. people would even ask her, random strangers even, “when are you moving to ihop?” it got irritating after awhile, but she just kept writing it off as coincidence.

she started getting unhappy with her life. she liked her job well enough (she worked at a chiropractors office.) but never felt like she fit there. but it was finally a ‘big girl’ job. which felt so empowering to the girl that did terrible in high school and never finished college. she consistently felt intellectually inferior to people, and was so scared of math that she would often freeze up — similar to stage fright — when asked to even perform a simple function like tipping a waiter at a restaurant. it haunted her that she wasn’t smart. so finally being able to say that she was a “chiropractic assistant” made her feel smarter. it probably sounds silly to anyone else, but to her, it felt so soothing to her wounded soul.

but she was lonely. she was tired of dating men that didn’t treat her right. men that would lie to her or grab whatever parts of her they could. she was a loving girl, and she often misappropriated her love to those that weren’t the best subjects. and adding in how much she loved Jesus almost made it worse. she just wanted to help all of them know Jesus more. and yet, one by one, they left her. one even saying because he would much rather “drink and drug and f*ck” than be in a relationship with her. she finally had enough of it all but at the same time had enough of being lonely that she decided that she was going to find her husband her way. unknowingly, she declared in her heart that she could do a better job of running her life that God.

she was at work one day, and a dashing new patient came in. they both decided they weren’t looking for a relationship, but were glad they stumbled upon one another. they started dating (violating patient/staff rules! WHOOPS :D) and were falling madly in love with each other.

her family liked him. her friends liked him. things that never, ever happened! she started to get so excited.

he would use words like “WHEN you’re my wife” and “WHEN we get married.” and her oh-so-wounded ears that connected to her oh-so-wounded heart would buzz at the sound of those phrases.

and things were magical for months.

…but then things weren’t.

and then things continued to get worse.

so the girl scraped and clawed at every piece of the cracked foundation that remained to try and save whatever she could.

she loved him. she had given him everything — willingly.

she wanted to marry him. and.. he said he would. he said he would marry her.

she wasn’t prepared for what was to come.

on a fateful, april night, he dashed her heart to pieces and even had the audacity to ask her why she was crying. she angrily shouted, “because this hurts! this is YOU breaking MY heart. and it HURTS.” she stormed out of his house and never wanted to see him again. she didn’t want to breathe. or move. or think. it was as if every piece of her had exploded, or was on fire, or even worse.. as if she didn’t exist at all. all of the something she had surrounded her with had suddenly turned into a hailstorm of nothing. she couldn’t think how to drive home properly. she wasn’t sure if she was going to black out or throw up until she died. on most occasions, she thought both. a complete disaster,

she called her sister who asked “what would make this better?” although, the sister already knew in her heart what the girl would say. “i just.. i just want to go to kansas city. i just want to be at IHOP.”

so, within the hour, our heroine found herself in a car headed to IHOP. that weekend she decided she was going to move there and call Kansas City, home.

so she did.

and Jesus was faithful to heal her heart and to make her even better than she was before. and she is forever grateful for the entire process and wouldn’t change it one bit; not one less tear, not one less moment where her breath was caught in her throat. for it all contributed to the shining gem she is now.

she was brought through the fire and came out refined as pure gold.

granted, things aren’t perfect. she still cries perhaps too much, and takes things too personally. she doesn’t read her Bible enough and spends way too much time on tumblr. but He is changing her heart. into something good. and He has been faithful to show her how much He loves her. how much He REALLY does delight in Her. because it’s not what she ever did that earned His love. it was what He did for her.

she is now confident and secure. she even gets people asking her why she is glowing on a regular basis. she feels like she can do anything and everything and is comfortable when she realizes she can’t. she is right on the path of turning into who she was created to be.

and because of His strong love, she will live happily ever after. outside of circumstance, outside of status. just because of Him.